On Monday evening-the cloudy sky

I have trouble with days off. I tend to feel like the world is falling apart. My world, that is. My room is a disaster. I need to do laundry-didn't I just do it? I think I have poison oak. My roomie said, "I think you have that disease where you think you have a disease." I bought some soy chicken at the health food store. When I got home I saw it was moldy. I went to the bank to deposit some checks. And I couldn't find a pen to sign them. And the bank was closed. My friend invited me to drive to San Diego with her, but I slept in by accident so I missed her. It's just one of those days...I don't feel like doing anything. And I feel guilty for not doing anything. So then I start to pretend I'm doing stuff. I'm thinking of a million things I should be doing. And all in all, it's a day off. But I don't like days off. I don't think I'll really enjoy a day off until I am constantly working, which isn't happening yet.

Sorry this is a venting blog. Tomorrow is another day, at least.

I'll put this song on repeat for now and drink my coconut juice. And I'll think about some guy who isn't thinking about me. And I'll pretend he is. When he isn't. Because it's an actor's job to make things up. That's what we do best. Make up who we are, what we do, how we're feeling, and how someone else is feeling, and how it all makes sense, or doesn't make sense, depending on our mood.

I guess it's a curse and a blessing.

OK. I'll clean the bathroom, at least. That's a start. Right? Yes.

Some things on repeat in

WhimsiCali4nia

A song or something....

A beginning of a song or something...

I had a dream that you wanted love
But you didn't know what it was

So you saw me standing there
And you asked if you could touch my hair

I had a dream that I said OK
If you promised not to run away

And you said darling I will try
But baby all our dreams must die.

A poem by a friend

I am often inspired by the works of Edna St. Vincent Millay. She was such a fascinating poet. A woman who had many love affairs with both men and women. Known for the lines, "I burn my candles at both ends." I think she has a soul like mine.

On another note, I wanted to thank a friend for writing me a poem. I am often wishing men would write me songs. My ex boyfriend wrote me a song once which he gave me before we were together called, "Through the eyes of love we'll see this world again." And we did. Words have meaning.

This poem was written by a friend who seems to admire my work from afar. I really felt touched by this generous gift. Thank you, Corey Mesler! And he's a real poet too! Not just a "wannabe..." ;)

Love and gratitude. It's kind, thoughtful gestures like these which keep you moving forward....

Starring Erica Rhodes


I wrote a new poem.
It stars that ingénue,
Erica Rhodes.
She appears in line seventeen,
kicks things around,
and is gone by the end
of the third verse. Her beauty
threatens to throw the
whole poem off balance. Her
face the face the sky would
wear if the sky were to
wear a face. The poem limps
toward an inconclusive
conclusion. Its star is gone.
The rest of the cast
do their best. The poem re-
fuses to come alive like
Persona or anything by
Frank O’Hara or
Jacques Tati.
The poem loves Jacques Tati.
Its real death occurs near
the penultimate line.
Over its spooled shoulder,
the poem looks back at
Erica Rhodes,
a wanton, stilted enthrallment,
wanting to try again with her,
as its credits roll like a
frolic of architecture.

By Corey Mesler

Strange Things Will Happen

I like this song and video. And I believe in strange things happening...

Thanks be to David Gregory

I would not be in WhimsiCali4nia at all if David Gregory did not have such a profound influence on my life's journey.

Upon my completion of 'The Atlantic Theater Conservatory' I was immediately cast in David's film, 'Plague Town' (no ordinary feat, I might add). I remember the day well. I was having a leisurely lunch with an old friend from my high school and remarked "I better get to this audition..." And I invited her to join me. It was a cold read-some short paragraph where I was to talk to some child about something...and while rehearsing a few of the professors at Emerson came up to me and sort of 'shot the shit' with me. And I guess they found me entertaining enough to follow me into my audition, which was a bit odd. So I had a mini audience for this cold read. And I managed to be pretty much completely off book for the audition. I remember I was wearing a blue dress and my hair was short back then. Not sure how I came across. I remember having one goal and one goal only: to speak to the child as if he were a child. That was it. No real action-though an action is usually that of 'to teach' with a child. But just one goal. That, and to not look at the paper too much.

Anyway, a few days later I found out I had a callback. And I went in again. A different dress this time. And I forget what the reading was. But I must have done OK, because then I had a third callback. And then a fourth, and then I lost track. It was down to 4 girls total for 2 parts. And after our final callback the four of us were so stressed out and sick of hating each other, we decided to go out for drinks and forget about it all. So we got good and drunk and talked about how insane this casting process was and how we were going crazy...

I was sure the pretty girl was going to get it. Because, well she was sooooooo pretty. Later, David assured me that we were both pretty. But still, she was super duper pretty. And I just didn't think I measured up. But in the end, I got the part.

This meant two things: One-I got to star in my first ever feature film right after school. An indie film that already had distribution.

And Two: I made a new life-long best friend with my Director, David.

I'll save the actual filming for another blog. But all in all, one thing led to another. We shot the film. I realized how much I loved making movies. The whole process-even freezing my butt off in the woods in the middle of the night in CT was somehow the most glamorous thing ever. The fake blood. The family dynamic with the other actors. I realized I wanted to be a film actress (before I thought maybe theater). And right after filming I was invited out to LA by a "big shot" manager to audition for EVERYTHING. And I did. But I also met up with David and Kyle (our AD for 'Plague Town') and had a grand ol' time with them. We were all in a bit of a 'transition' time in our lives. And so we found comfort in our budding friendship. Drinking the night away, driving to Las Vegas, pulling all-nighters on Venice beach. Being deviant artists that we were. And oops. I bombed my auditions in the process. (Yes, the hard-knock lessons we learn along the way). But you know what, that was how it was meant to be, I believe. I thought I could "get away with it" relying on my talent,etc. But guess what. I couldn't. And now I know that.

The manager dropped me. I sobbed on the phone to David. I swore I would never let that happen again. And I moved to LA anyway.

And David has been there for me through it all. And I mean IT ALL. He is one of the few friends I can call literally at any time. And he will answer the phone and say all the right things. And he has believed in me since day 1.

Now we have a wonderful tradition every year of writing out the BEST/WORST of this year, and our goals for the next year. And David keeps our lists to review for the next year. This year, David accomplished pretty much all of his goals. And I accomplished 3 of my 5.

We're doing good. We aren't so wild anymore. Well, I'm not anymore (won't speak for David). But we still have many highs and lows. And I would definitely not have lasted this long in WhimsiCali4nia without him. My dream is to make the next film we want to make together. I really want to do that. DAVID ARE YOU LISTENING?!!! We forgot to put that on the list!!!

Couldn't do it without you in...

WhimsiCali4nia

Dead Ends

Got my hair done today. Got rid of the dead ends.

Feels fresh, clean, and blonde.

I found my hair lady from a Casting Director who was very impressed with my audition but thought my hair could be "doing more" for me. So now I go to this Casting Director's hair person.

Hair is very important in Hollywood. People talk about hair more than politics, love, religion, and the meaning of life.

I was seeing a guy once who gave me hair tips. "You gotta use this conditioner, OMG...it totally gets rid of the frizz..."

Cut off the dead ends in...

WhimsiCali4nia

Cigarettes to Facebook, NYC to LA.

I'm so thrilled that my dear friend, Lizzy Eggers has moved to LA.

We met in acting school. The first day of class we were immediately best friends and have been best friends ever since. I think it's funny how sometimes "Love at first sight" happens with girl friends too.

I forced her to join SAG right when she moved to LA a month ago. And now she is forcing me to attend all of the SAG events, which I would probably not go to alone. Thanks Liz. Tonight we saw Nicole Kidman speak about 'ACTING...' and I was utterly depressed through the whole thing about how I'm...NOT Nicole Kidman...until I received a surprise text from my director of the indie film, "Javatown' I starred in, Karyn Ben Singer, randomly telling me I'm 'SO the bomb' and that I'm destined for great things.' And somehow that made Nicole Kidman just look a little bit older...and fatter...even though she's not fat at all, but you get the point. I'm sure she has a flaw if you look through a microscope. There's gotta be a freckle on her neck or something...anyway...

Liz was also the friend I attribute to helping me quit smoking when I went through a minor 'romantic smoking cigarettes out on my fire escape in Manhattan while listening to the song 'Save Me' and pining after a boy who went to Columbia and who I'd see in between his many important math and physics classes'...PHASE.

I told her one day that I really wanted to quit. And she said, "Well you can. You TOTALLY can. Just do it. You totally can just stop." And the next day I did. Forever. "Unless it's for a role," in the words of Nicole Kidman, "then I smoke."

Tonight, Liz and I spoke about facebook and how I'm addicted to that, as well. That I use it for work, but then get caught on it for other things and end up wasting time,etc. And she also said I can cut down on that too. She believes in me. And I in her.

I'll talk about the contract we wrote up together back in NYC at another time... we have an important agreement we made together. To be continued...

I have the greatest friends in...

WhimsiCali4nia