WimpsiCali4nia

Today I feel like a wimp.

Sometimes I feel like a big shot-all cool and tough, capable of taking on the world.
Not today. Today I feel like a plain old good-for-nothing wimp.

I felt really cool in the morning. I had to go to court to settle a ticket issue. And because I'm such an 'actress' my director had to call me to make me get up in the morning and 'deal with it,' which I wouldn't have done without his 'direction.'

I went in expecting to pay $500. And instead they let me off with a court date (will someone please remind me-it's in July) and a $10 to get my license taken off hold.

I left feeling pretty darn good about myself, like I had gotten away with robbing a bank. I even made friends with an adorable couple who loved me because I was an example of someone 'EVEN WORSE' than the wife at dealing with responsibilities. Hey, it's not always a bad thing to be incompetent, as long as you can laugh at yourself about it. People love when you can make a big joke of yourself. Trust me.

Anyway, I left the court house well before noon, glowing with pride. And as I pulled out of my parking spot...@#$!@#%CRASH!!!!Q#W%#@$%@#$% I banged into one of those darn poles they use to separate the parking spots and to ruin my day.

With my tail between my legs, I drove to my mechanic. Again, not a HUGE deal. But definitely not a stellar moment. They are ordering new lights for me, but who knows how much that will cost to replace....still no real harm done, thanks to my luck. Actually, I do think about how lucky I am every day to just be alive with all limbs in tact (knock hard on wood). I moved to LA without ever having driven further than my high school in MA. I never drove in NYC. And my Mom never really encouraged me to drive in Boston. So, I barely knew how to make a left turn. I used to call my friend at intersections, when I first got here, to verify whether or not I had the right of way. And if I accidentally ended up on the highway all hell broke loose and I would basically have a nervous breakdown until I found my way off of it. So, I have come a long way...but still...

Anyway, I managed to make it to my rehearsal for the experimental film I am working on, which I really am enjoying. But the character I am delving into is a real dark, brooding, psycho. And it's not an easy place to go to. Usually takes some time to break out of afterwards. But I do enjoy playing her. But she pushes me to the dark corners of my mind...not always a good thing.

Then I saw a short film I worked on a year ago, and I was ready to pack my bags, shave my head, and move to a mountain somewhere...yes I can be extreme. No offense to anyone involved, because I am speaking strictly about myself. Watching myself made me feel sick to my stomach. I literally felt like my face is deformed. I am old, ugly, fat, and overrall disgusting to look at, and have no business pursuing anything where my face will be visible to anyone at all. OK...this may sound dramatic. And now is where all my friends/family tell me how beautiful I am and how I'm crazy, etc. etc. But the problem here is not whether or not I am ugly or whether or not I know what I look like or not. The problem is how much IMPORTANCE I am placing on it. Rather than thinking, "OK, so I didn't look great, but so what," I literally think, "Who am I fooling? Who would want to look at me?! How will I ever get cast looking like THAT?!" I realize these thoughts are skewed, superficial,self-sabotaging, and self-absorbed, and yet I can't help/change them.

This business is very much about the way you look. Even if you are hoping to be cast as the 'nerdy, librarian' you go into a room full of gorgeous, perfectly presentable, young girls. Maybe they have fake glasses on. But besides that, they are perfectly manicured, ironed, polished, etc.

Giving up the idea of a 'day job' and stubbornly living off of the acting alone, I have no money in my budget left for primping and polishing. I am lucky if I can find a clean pair of underwear these days.

I had three auditions yesterday and not a single callback. And I felt good about two of them. They gave me direction, spent time with me. One director said, "You obviously have the acting chops." Another Casting director said, "I remember auditioning you a year ago and I think you're ADORABLE." And she had me read for both parts saying I took the direction very well. But nothing. I start wondering what's wrong with me. Is it my hair? My stomach? My skin? I have the acting chops, so it must be the other factor-THE WAY I LOOK. Which is never good enough and never will be good enough.

I am a strong person. But this is a hard path. And people don't realize how many factors are really involved when they say it will be hard. And it's not just a day or a month...I am starting to realize it is years of challenges. Year after year. And that is why so many people can't take it.

My only problem is when I think about quitting I literally can't even imagine what else I would do. I can't see turning back. I've always been stubborn. I don't give up easily. Hence why I was seeing a sociopath for almost 2 years when I first moved here. (Another, way too long story...)

I guess the point is...I can't quit, because I don't really believe in it. And there must be something I love in all of this more than looking in the mirror and admiring my beautiful jaw line. I think I have something to give besides all that. And I guess that's why I'll show up to an audition in old jeans and a t-shirt with a car that is barely still moving, with a license that's on hold. And I will risk being criticized and even arrested, because there's something I love more than all that. What it is...I'm not sure. But it's there somewhere.

Gotta go digging.

Sweet dreams in

WhimsiCali4nia